This is a joke

I am starting off by saying this is a joke. i really don’t believe in everything it says.

via email

Men
strike back!

How many men does it
take to open a beer? 

None. It should be
opened when she brings it.

——————————————————————-  

Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman? 

Because a woman who
can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.

——————————————————————–

Why do women have
smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those
"evolutionary things" that allows

Them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink. 

——————————————————————-

How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart? 

When she starts a
sentence with "A man once told me…"

——————————————————————-  

How do you fix a
woman’s watch? 

You don’t. There is
a clock on the oven.

———————————————-
——————— 

Why do men pass gas
more than women? 

Because women can’t
shut up long enough to

Build up the
required pressure.

——————————————-!
——– —————- 

If your dog is
barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you
let in first?

The dog, of course.
He’ll shut up once you let him in.

———————-
——————————————— 

What’s worse than a
Male Chauvinist Pig? 

A woman who won’t do
what she’s told

——————————————————————-  

I married a Miss
Right. 

I just didn’t know
her first name was Always.

——————————————————————-  

Scientists have
discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by
90%.

It’s called a
Wedding Cake.

———————————————
–———————- 

Why do men die
before their wives? 

They want
to.

——————————————————————-

Women will never be
equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.

——————————————————————-

In the beginning,
God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man
and rested.

Then God created
Woman. 

Since then, neither
God nor Man has rested. 

——————————————————————-  

Send
this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can
handle the truth! 

It is a joke people.  Lighten up. 

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/08/this-is-a-joke.html’;

Play Golf

via email

Story with a Moral….

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if  we know what ultimately
became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, became insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However: in that same year, 1923, The PGA Champion and the winner of
the most important golf tournament, The US Open,  was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work…….. Play golf

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/08/play-golf.html’;

Why I forward jokes

via email

This explains why I forward jokes. I assume this is why you do too.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that’s confusing," the Traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell."

"Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo…
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

The Pope in Alaska

Via Email

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile

when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A
helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a
"To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and
thrashing around try ing to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He’s in direct contact with Heaven and
has access to all wisdom ."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn’t know

anything about grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need

to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

Remember this is just a joke.  I don’t condone using Liberals as bait.

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/07/the-pope-in-ala.html’;

 

Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of   heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the  lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

  The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
  Al Sharpton, self appointed Speaker of the Black community, 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" Inquires the Inspector."He thought he was having his picture taken."

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/07/smiles.html’;

 

Throwing money away

via email

THROWING AWAY
MONEY

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody
very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million
people very
happy."

If you’re one of those 156 million forward this!

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/07/throwing-money-.html’;

 

The Bridge

via email

 A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly
The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
One desire."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
Anytime I w ant." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
Enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
Reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
Hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
Time and think of something that could possibly
help mankind." The biker
Thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and
All men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what
she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
She means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
Happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/07/the-bridge.html’;

 

How to tell the difference between a Republican and a Democrat

I am back and ready to get back into things here at Stix Blog.
First up is a joke sent to me via email

Republican or a Democrat? How to know the difference.

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person hisbusiness card and told him to come to his office for a job.

He then took$20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to anotherhomeless person, she decided to help.

She walked over to the homelessperson and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson’s pocket and got out $20.

She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave $5 to the homelss person.

submit_url = ‘http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/2007/07/how-to-tell-hte.html’;

How to save the Airlines

another joke via email

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

  Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
  place.
  Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
  strippers!
  What
  the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

  The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
  "party
  atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
  in
  this
  country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

  Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a
  salary,
  thus saving even more
money.
  I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for
  working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
  including lap
  dances and "special services."

  Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
  naked
  women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
  industry would see record
  revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it
  right
  a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

  Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
  myself?

  Sincerely,

  Bill Clinton

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a to Marine Sergeant

via email

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by
terrorists in Iraq .  The leader of the terrorists told them that he would
grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili."  The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili.  Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I’m a reporter to the end.  I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen.  Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric
dictated some
comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your
final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.  "What?" asked the leader? "Will you
mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I’m not kidding.  I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Sergeant.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead.  In the resulting
confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed
the Iraqis with gunfire.  In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn’t
you just shoot them in the beginning?  Why did you ask them to kick you in
the ass first?"

"What," replied
the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the
aggressor?"