Bill And Hillary

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and  secure my presidential victory in 2008".     "Great, but how do you propose we go about that?", asked Bill.     "Well", Hillary responds, "We’ll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we’ll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we’ll go to a nice old country bar in middle America , and we’ll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."     A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender  takes a step back and says,     "Aren’t you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"     Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."     They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed  to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.     All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador , lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.     A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.     Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and went away looking puzzled.     Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over "’Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old  farmers come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it some  sort of old custom?"     "Good Lord no", said the bartender, "Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!"     IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

 

 

Tension Breaker

Via A Newt One

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.  As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.  The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.  As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Hillary, will smell that and think I’ve been inside a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Winter Blonde

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi
my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the t ruck door. The trucker
rolls down the windo w. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Wisconsin and I’m driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

Female Genie

via email

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, ‘Master, may I grant you one wish?’

 

Osama
responded, ‘You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of- a-flea-bitten camel!
Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me
anything.’

 

The shocked Genie said, ‘Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.’

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said:  ‘Very well, I want to
awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.  So just do it and be off with you.’

The annoyed Genie said, ‘So be it!’ and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

 

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Lawyer v Doctor on Witness Stand

Just for fun – the following have been making the rounds on the internet for sometime and are supposed to be actual exchanges in court.   I don’t know about that, but they are funny.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

If these are real, the only explanation is that the lawyer was already thinking about what he was going to ask next or who he should call to the stand next instead of listening.  Juggling thousands of things in your head at the same time during trial is not easy.   

Julia

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Golf Jokes

via email

A
gushy reporter told Phil Michelson:  "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the
course.  What’s your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered!"

—————

A
young man and a priest are playing together.  At a short par-3 the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father.  How about you"?  The priest says, "I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The
young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.  The priest
tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.  The young man
says, "I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we
keep our head down."

—————

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks,
"Ma’am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."  The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts
her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times; just put me down for a five."

—————

A
golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening
between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his
3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back
hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the
gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good
golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn’t I?"

—————

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom
was standing
there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:  "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?

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What gender is ‘computer’?

via email

A Spanish teacher was explaining toher class 
That in Spanish, unlike English,
Nouns are designated as either
Masculine or feminine.

"House"
For instance,
Is feminine:
"la casa."

"Pencil,"
However,
Is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is ‘computer’?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
Male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
"computer"
Should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that
"computer"
Should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
Because:
1. No one but their creator
Understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
Incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest
mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group,
However, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
Because:
1. In order to do anything
With them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
But half the time
they ARE the problem;
and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

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Lawyer Jokes

via email

Lawyer jokes   

 

 

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

 

 

 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

 

 

 

Why does the law
society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

 

 

 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
* Not enough sand.

 

 

 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

 

 

 

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
*
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

 

 

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

 

 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

 

 

 

Lawyer’s creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

 

 

 

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

 

 

 

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

 

 

 

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton.

 

 

 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your
bicycle.

 

 

 

Santa
Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

 

 

It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)
* So cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

 

 

 

A
man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s
rates."$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn’t that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,"and what was
your third question?"

 

 

 

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun
with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer… twice.

 

 

 

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.

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Skinny Dipping

via email

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large
pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
tables and some
apple
and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn’t
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of
young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of
his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We’re not coming out
until you
leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn’t
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I’m here to feed the alligator."

Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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Mother’s Day In The Middle East

via email

Mother’s Day In The Middle East
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a
pint of goat’s milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and
starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He’s a
martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son,
Kali. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He’s a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me" says the second mother. "

And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18." Mom
whispers.

"Yes" says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started
school."

"He’s a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photos and says: "They blow up so fast,
don’t they?"

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