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Investment advice for these troubled times
via email
Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes: Investment tips for 2008-09 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008-09.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang
Surgeons
Surgeons are
discussing the types of people they like to Operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating Table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds: ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: ‘No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction Workers …
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’ all really
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are
interchangeable
Joke Time
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to theUnited States . He stops the first person he sees walking down thestreet and says, ‘Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and freeeducation!’The passerby says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican.’The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ‘ Thank you for havingsuch a beautiful country here in America !’The person says, ‘I not American, I Vietnamese.’The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful America !’That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Middle East , I amnot American!’He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you an American?’She says , ‘No, I am from Africa !’Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the Americans?’The African lady checks her watch and says…’Probably at work!’IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM,YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE
A busload of politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly
ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s field.The old farmer
heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a
large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local
sheriff was driving past the farmer’s field and noticed the bus wreck. He
approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had
gone.The old farmer explained that he’d gone ahead and buried all of
them."Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.
"Well, some
of them said they weren’t," said the old farmer, "but you know how them
politicians lie."
crowded in Heaven
via email
It
was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
‘Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died.’
‘No
problem, the man said. ‘I came home to my 25Th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But
wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his
fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly
enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged
it, push Ed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.’
The
Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, ‘OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ‘ and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise , it was Alex Rodriguez (aka “A-Rod“).
‘Mr. Rodriguez, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.’
A-Rod said,
‘No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I
guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But
All
of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some
trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die
right away.
As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I
See
this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me in stantly.’
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as A-Rod finishes his story.
‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself.
‘Very well,’ the Angel announces. ‘Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ‘ and
He lets A-Rod enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up
To the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour
Through the Angel’s head. Finally he says,
‘Mr. President, please tell me what it was lik e the day you died.’
Clinton says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked, Inside a refrigerator……
crowded in Heaven
via email
It
was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
‘Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died.’
‘No
problem, the man said. ‘I came home to my 25Th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But
wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his
fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly
enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged
it, push Ed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.’
The
Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, ‘OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ‘ and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise , it was Alex Rodriguez (aka “A-Rod“).
‘Mr. Rodriguez, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.’
A-Rod said,
‘No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I
guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But
All
of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some
trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die
right away.
As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I
See
this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me in stantly.’
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as A-Rod finishes his story.
‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself.
‘Very well,’ the Angel announces. ‘Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ‘ and
He lets A-Rod enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up
To the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour
Through the Angel’s head. Finally he says,
‘Mr. President, please tell me what it was lik e the day you died.’
Clinton says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked, Inside a refrigerator……
Cannibals
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
+ Tourist: $5.00
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Hillary and Obama Down the River
TheUnited States
New truck
I bought a new Ford Superduty 250 and returned to the
dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The
salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio
replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia
On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I’d say, "Beethoven," I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I
said, "Beatles," I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new truck , but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane
Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on
harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill
Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this TRUCK!!!
Excellent Trade!!
Last Tuesday, President Bush got off his Helicopter in front of the White House and was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The Marine guard at the base of the steps on the helicopter snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."The President replies… "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."The Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and yells-out…. "Excellent trade, Sir !!"
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