HEAVEN HELP US

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This is a joke people.  Get a sense of humor if you can not figure that out.

Snopes

Be afraid America !!
Be very, very afraid of Obama !!

THIS PRETTY MUCH EXPLAINS THINGS AS THEY ARE.
To my engineer friends:  This would be funny if it weren’t so alarming.

(From a senior level Chrysler person)

Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker/guest
was David E. Cole, Chairman Center for Automotive Research (CAR and
Professor at the Univ. of Michigan .  You have all likely heard CAR
quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.

Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the
difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has
sent to “save” the auto industry. There have been many meetings where
a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to an Obama
newcomer
to the industry, someone with:
zero manufacturing experience,
zero auto industry experience,
zero business experience,
zero finance experience, and
zero engineering experience,
tell auto executives and engineers how to run their business.

Mr. Cole’s favorite story is as follows:

There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer,
automotive experience 40+ years, Chairman of CAR).

They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed
to make a car that was electric and liquid natural gas (LNG) with
enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn’t “need” so
many gas stations (A whole other topic).  They were quoting BTU’s
of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some website.

Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of
batteries and a LNG tank at big as a car to make that happen and
that there were problems related to the Laws of Physics that prevented
them from…

The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here):

“These laws of physics??  Who’s rules are those??  We need to change
that.” (Some of the others wrote down the law name so they could look it up!)

“We have the Congress and the Administration. We can repeal that law,
amend it, or use an Executive Order to get rid of that problem.  That’s
why we are here, to fix these sort of issues”.

An Irish joke

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good
Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father”

Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.”

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc.
Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.”

Desperate, the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin”

Man replies “Who is that?”

Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”

Doctors

via email

An Israeli doctor remarked, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced we
can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking forwork in six weeks’.

A German doctor countered, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany we can
take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks’.

A Russian doctor then added, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced
we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks’.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take a few
assholes out of Chicago , put them in Washington DC and have half the
country looking for work within two months!”

Honesty in marriage and golf

On the 2nd tee of the golf course, with his wife, the husband says,
“Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can  forgive me.”

His wife was hurt, but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What
we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.”

They embraced and kissed.

On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back-swing when the wife
blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve been conscience-stricken since you
told me of your affair. Since we’re being honest with each other, I have
something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me”

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He
slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods,
stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the
rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted,”You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver!
How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these
years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees!”

This just about sums it up no matter which political political you are

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically

hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. 
Peter at the

entrance.



'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it

seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these

parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'



'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.



'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll

do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you

can choose where to spend eternity.'



'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'20says the

senator.



'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator 
and he goes

down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself

in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a

clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other

politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in 
evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce 
about the good times they had while

getting rich at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,

caviar and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who

has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a

good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator

rises...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him.



'Now it's time to visit heaven.'



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented

souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone

by and St. Peter returns.



'Well, then, you've spent a day20in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity.'



The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would 

never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I 
think I would be better off in hell.'



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash

and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was
here

and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and

caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now

there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look

miserable. What happened?'



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were

campaigning...... Today you voted.'

This just about sums it up no matter which political political you are

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically

hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. 
Peter at the

entrance.



'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it

seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these

parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'



'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.



'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll

do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you

can choose where to spend eternity.'



'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'20says the

senator.



'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator 
and he goes

down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself

in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a

clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other

politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in 
evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce 
about the good times they had while

getting rich at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,

caviar and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who

has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a

good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator

rises...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him.



'Now it's time to visit heaven.'



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented

souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone

by and St. Peter returns.



'Well, then, you've spent a day20in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity.'



The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would 

never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I 
think I would be better off in hell.'



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash

and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was
here

and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and

caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now

there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look

miserable. What happened?'



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were

campaigning...... Today you voted.'

When hell freezes over

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them "Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you"?

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of  snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya  know."

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from  Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, "Everyone down here is in abject  misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?"

Sven replies, " Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis  nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.  The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning the temperature is 60 below zero; icicles are hanging everywhere and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad  men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat  you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong  with you two?"

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don’t ya know, if  hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl."

When hell freezes over

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them "Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you"?

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of  snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya  know."

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from  Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, "Everyone down here is in abject  misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?"

Sven replies, " Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis  nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.  The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning the temperature is 60 below zero; icicles are hanging everywhere and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad  men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat  you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong  with you two?"

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don’t ya know, if  hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl."

Woman Drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!  I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, And disconnected an important call.

Stupid women drivers!

Holloween Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says,
‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’
The nun says, ‘That’s OK.
My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.’