HMO in Heaven

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to heaven, my son.”God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”

Blonde Jokes

HELLLOOOOO…….. Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, ‘What’s the story?’ He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’ SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You  ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’
She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blond.  ‘They’re watch dogs!’

A few jokes

One Sunday Morning…

One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, ‘I’m not going.’ ‘Why not?’ she asked. I’ll give you two good reasons,’ he said. ‘ (1) They don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.’ His mother replied, ‘I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!’ The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.. ‘This baked ham is really delicious,’ the priest teased the rabbi. ‘You really ought to try it.. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?’ The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, ‘At your wedding..’ The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, ‘Where would you like to sit?’ he asked politely. ‘The front row please,’ she answered. ‘You really don’t want to do that,’ the usher said ‘The pastor is really boring.’ ‘Do you happen to know who I am?’ the woman inquired. ‘No.’ he said. ‘I’m the pastor’s mother,’ she replied indignantly. ‘Do you know who I am?’ he asked. ‘No.’ she said. ‘Good,’ he answered and walked away. Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a ‘show and tell’ assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion… The first student got up in front of the class and said, ‘My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David..’ The second student got up in front of the class and said, ‘My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.’ The third student got in up front of the class and said, ‘My name is Tommy.. I am  Baptist , and this is a casserole.’ The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. ‘Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,’ the priest said. ‘No,’ said the minister. ‘I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.’ ‘You’re both wrong,’ the guru said. ‘The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.’ The repairman could contain himself no longer… ‘Hey, fellas,’ he interrupted.. ‘The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.’ The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. ‘I’ve had a pretty good life,’ the twenty proclaimed. ‘Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ‘. ‘Wow!’ said the one-dollar bill. ‘You’ve really had an exciting life!’ ‘So tell me,’ says the twenty, ‘where have you been throughout your lifetime?’ The one dollar bill replies, ‘Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ‘. The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, ‘What’s a church?’ Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner.. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest  asked their son what they were having for dinner. ‘Goat,’ the little boy replied. ‘Goat?’ replied the startled man of the cloth, ‘Are you sure about that?’ ‘Yep,’ said the youngster. ‘I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!

THE ECONOMY

The Economy, How Bad Is It?

The economy is so bad… That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad… I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind
the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The economy is so bad… Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad… Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens names.

The economy is so bad… A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The economy is so bad… Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad… The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad… Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I GOT YOUR MAMA

via Kitten on the Keyboard

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. ‘Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.’

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home… Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

_____

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

_____

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

_____

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary , slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

_____

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

A Clean Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriend when a tall,exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As some men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition’
.
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse. She pressed it into the man’s hand along with her address,  looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly with appropriate heaving and sighing meaningfully said….

‘Clean my house.’

Warning from Pakistan

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if a military
action against Afghanistan and Iraq continues, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America’s supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6
Managers.  And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab
drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer Service Reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more
candidates for President of the United States!

It’s gonna get ugly!!!

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY –

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men … are men.

Bran Flakes Special

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your damned  bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

Hossa

via email

Did you hear that since Hossa left Pittsburgh to play for Detroit for less money because he felt Detroit had a better chance at winning the cup, Starbucks has come out with a new coffee for him called the “Hossa” only it doesn’t come with a cup!!!!