How Italians do Business

Luigi says to his son, ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son says: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Luigi says: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter…’
Son answers: ‘Well, in that case, ok’

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, ‘I have a husband for your
daughter.’
Bill Gates answers: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!’
Luigi says: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank’.
Bill Gates answers: ‘Ah, in that case, ok’

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President answers: ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’
Luigi says: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’
President answers: ‘Ah, in that case, ok’

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

How To Care For Wife

A Letter from Wayne ..

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too — or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

The New Underarm Thermometer

Have you seen the new underarm thermometer????

Some people have too much time on their hands

Where is Bubba????

via Watts up with That?

Rudolf will not be playing in any reindeer games

OMG Check out the basketball game

And that is when the fight started…

Some are old and some are new.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a
Christmas gift…
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied! ,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…

I asked my wife,
‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’
she said.
So I suggested,
‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started…

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—-
—-

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in
bed.
I turned to her and said,
‘Do you want to have $ex?’
‘No,’
she answered.
I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying
‘Yes.’
So I said,
‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…

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—-

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said,
‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…

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—-
—-

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
‘What’s on TV?’
I said,
‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

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—-

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started…

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—-

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby
table.
I asked her,
‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’
she sighed,
‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after
we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’
I said,
‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

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—-

I rear-ended a car this morning…. So, there we were alongside the road
and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said,
‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…

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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me
that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I sai! d,
‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Some Funnies for Friday

Reid, Pelosi and the dying priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest. “I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued…

“He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”