2 Brazilian Soldiers
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.
They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .
To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how many is a brazilian?’
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Wisdom from Middle Earth:
“The typical staff officer is a man past middle life, spare, wrinkled, intelligent, cold, noncommittal, with eyes like a codfish, polite in contact,
but at the same time unresponsive, cool, calm and as damnably composed as a concrete post or plaster of Paris cast;
a human petrification with a heart of feldspar and without charm or the friendly germ; minus bowels, passions or a sense of humor.
Happily they never reproduce and all of them finally go to hell.”
Gen George Patton…………(Note: an execellent description!)
“At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges.”
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on
in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become
more commonplace as the weather warms.
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot,
or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, &
29th. Also December 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, 24th,
and 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and
bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I’ve already
lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, and Costco.
Mexican words of the day1. *Cheese*The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:Maria likes me, but cheese fat.2. *Mushroom*When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.3. *Shoulder*My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so Ishoulder.4. * Texas *My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!5. *Herpes*Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.6. *July*Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!7. *Rectum*I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!8. *Chicken*I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.9. *Wheelchair*We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair .10. *Chicken* *wing*My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.11. *Harassment*My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassmentnothing to me.12. *Bishop*My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.13. *Body wash*I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.14. *Budweiser*That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
I do not know if I posted this or not, but some people have it worse than others.
IMPORTANCE NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES! All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.
- Workloads getting to you?
- Feeling stressed?
- Too many priorities and assignments?
Here is the new low cost, company approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!
Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)
Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.
Apply as shown in Fig 3.
Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!