What is waterboarding???

One out of every ten

2 Brazilian Soldiers

2 Brazilian Soldiers

The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in  Iraq .

To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

deodorant

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Military Wisdom

Wisdom from Middle Earth:

“The typical staff officer is a man past middle life, spare, wrinkled, intelligent, cold, noncommittal, with eyes like a codfish, polite in contact,

but at the same time unresponsive, cool, calm and as damnably composed as a concrete post or plaster of Paris cast;

a human  petrification with a heart of feldspar and without charm or the friendly germ; minus bowels, passions or a sense of humor.

Happily they never reproduce and all of them finally go to hell.”

Gen George Patton…………(Note: an execellent description!)

“At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges.”

Maj (CENTCOM)

Best Metaphors….

Why English Teachers Die Young (from laughing?)

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year’s winners…
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Clever Scam – taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is  the first
warning I have seen  for men.  I wanted to pass it on
in case you haven’t heard  about it.  This will only become
more  commonplace as  the weather warms.

A ‘heads up’ for those men  who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot,
or Costco  customers.  This one  caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a  clever  scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has  turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t  happen to you or your friends.

Here’s  how the scam  works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something  girls  come over to your car as you are
packing your  shopping into the trunk.  They both start wiping  your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts  almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  It  is  impossible not to look.  When you thank
them and offer them  a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride  to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat.   On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs  over into the front seat and starts  crawling all over you,
while  the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November  4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th,  &
29th. Also December  1st &  4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, 24th,
and 30th,  three times last Monday  and very likely again this  upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of  older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for  $2.99  each.  I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and
bought them out.  Also, you never will get to eat  at McDonalds.  I’ve  already
lost 11 pounds just  running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home  Depot, and  Costco.

Mexican words of the day

Mexican words of the day

 1. *Cheese*

 The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: 

 Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

 2. *Mushroom*

 When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

 3. *Shoulder*

 My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I 

 shoulder.

 4. * Texas *

 My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
 

 5. *Herpes*

 Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

 6. *July*

 Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

 7. *Rectum*

 I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

 8. *Chicken*

 I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

 9. *Wheelchair*

 We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair . 

 10. *Chicken* *wing*

 My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

 11. *Harassment*

 My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment 

 nothing to me.

 12. *Bishop*

 My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

 13. *Body wash*

 I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

 14. *Budweiser*

 That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Winter

I do not know if I posted this or not, but some people have it worse than others.

co Winter

Employee Happiness Kit

IMPORTANCE NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES! All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.

• Workloads getting to you?
• Feeling stressed?
• Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low cost, company approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)
Fig 1.

Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.
Fig 2.

Apply as shown in Fig 3.
Fig 3.

Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

Cheers!
The Management