New Medicine for America

The Obama Stimulus: Predictions vs. Reality

Got to give a shout out

To my cousin Richelle.  She is doing and internship at Fox New 25 in Boston.  Geez, I remember when she was born and saw her grow up.  She is a very talented person and I am sure she will go far.  And she is one of the Good Guys in the MSM

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you’re a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply cant afford to take care of you anymore. You don’t need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.   So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income tax.   I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!

Ray & Bubba

Ray & Bubba

(Arkansas mechanical engineers)

were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

‘We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,’ said Bubba,

but we don’t have a ladder.’

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,

and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her

pocket, took a measurement, announced, ‘Eighteen feet, six inches,’

and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. ‘Ain’t that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!’

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government….

… and helping to design the “stimulus package.”

Email Rules

PLEASE!!!??
NO MORE CHAIN EMAILS!
NO MORE FORWARDED LUCKY EMAILS!
NO MORE SPIRITUAL EMAILS!
NO MORE DYING CHILD EMAILS!
NO MORE WALKING IN ANYONE’S FOOTSTEPS EMAILS!
NO MORE FUNDRAISING EMAILS!
What we need is to get back to what email was designed for…. !!

(NSFW)

Official language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

WHEN WE ARE OLDER

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER :

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go a long.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird..
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say,
‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

A good Bikini to get your Girlfriend

Or maybe not if you still want to have a girlfriend after you give it to her.

H/T to KISP

The saucy thong swimsuit looks like a real bikini but DISAPPEARS after just a few seconds in water.

Sellers in Germany bill the dissolving Get Naked costume as a chance for men to get their own back after a break-up.

Short & funney jokes.

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death..

Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”.

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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother”

Santa wrote back,” SEND ME YOUR MOTHER”

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Three Feelings:

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?

B’coz people started licking the wrong side.

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