Earn Eco-Salvation the Quick and Easy Iowahawk Way
Are you concerned that your profligate personal lifestyle is harming the environment? Losing sleep over the long-term ecological damage resulting from those greenhouse gases constantly emitted by your family, your cars, your pets, and your shrubbery? Do you want to become carbon-neutral, but just don’t know how?
Well rejoice, sinner! Carbon atonement is no longer the exclusive preserve of the Malibu set — with the Iowahawk EcoPals Network! This unique new system lets you, the average Joe planet rapist, cleanse your tortured psyche of the stain of enviro-guilt for as little as $9.95 per year! If enough of you follow this simple three step program, we can save the world for our children — who will soon be frolicking with healthy polar bears atop Earth’s reforested glaciers. Act now before it’s too late!
STEP 1: Catalog Your Sins
Your first step on the road to salvation is to take a frank inventory of your eco-transgressions. When answering the following questions, remember to be honest. We are all sinners in the eyes of Gaia, and it is important not to incur her wrath by fibbing.
1. Did your home consume less than 220,000 Kilowatt hours in 2006?
2. Was your combined residential energy bill less than $30,000 in 2006?
3. When your are traveling the three blocks from your hotel to the Palm d’Or Ceremony at Cannes, do you and your entourage use less than five SUVs?
4. When you travel to Berkeley to lecture on greenhouse gases, do you balance your multiple-limousine motorcade with at least one Prius?
5. In the previous year, did you travel less than 1 million miles on private and commercial jets?
6. In the previous five years have you, and members your immediate family, successfully avoided arrest for speeding and/or driving high in a Cadillac?
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, don’t worry — you can still reach salvation. Simply keep track of the number of "no" answers and proceed to Step 2.
STEP 2: Calculate Carbon Credits
As we say in the environmental community, now it’s time to "pay the piper" for your carbon use. If you answered "yes" to ALL of the questions in Step 1, your fee is $9.95. For each "no" answer, add an additional $19.95, plus $4.95 carbon credit shipping and handling. Once you have calculated your total fee, send it to the Iowahawk EcoPals Network via the "Beer Fund" tip jar located on the left sidebar.
STEP 3: Spread the Holy Eco-Word
Hallellujah, brother/sister, you are officially saved! The holy spirit of PayPal has washed away your CO2 sins in the healing Polar glacial waters! You are born again in the sweet bathing flourescent light of carbon neutrality! Feel that spirit enter! The power of Mother Earth compels you! Hunga mwa blabla glooba flambla hoomcha doomcha gluppa!
Brothers and sisters, now that you have gotten yourself right with Gaia, it’s time for you to go out and spread the good news about eco-redemption through the Iowahawk EcoPals Network. Start a mission in your own neighborhood, whether it’s Brentwood, Bel Air, or the Hamptons. Hold an oldtime Earth Tent Revival on your front lawn. Let your neighbors and friends know that no matter how they’ve sinned against Earth in the past, salvation is but one $9.95 mouse click away. Ask me about my new multilevel conversion fee program.
To help you bring those eco-sinners around to righteousness, feel free to download these Iowahawk EcoPals bumperstickers and glue them to your SUV, boat, snowmobile, or Gulfstream G5. Now go and sin no more! But if you happen to backslide, remember to send in another $9.95.